Special Guest Writer: Jason Tyner!

Another great entry from Kev. The same general humor-post disclaimer applies: This post is intended to be solely for humor. It is unrealistic, not intended to be an accurate representation of the personalities involved, nor to defame any individual involved. The personalities attached to the names are extreme caricatures chosen primarily because, well, they're funny. Views given by said caricatures also do not necessarily have any relation to the views of the author(s).

Hey Y’all,

This is Jason Tyner, J-Ty. You may remember me from my time as the slap-hitting, scrappy outfielder for your Minnesota Twins. I also had a tendency to wow the ladies with my devastatingly good looks. Unfortunately, the Twins declined to offer me a contract for the 2008 season, the bastards. Anyway, I still have much love (and a few outstanding debts…hehe) for the Minnesota fans and wanted to let you know what I’ve been up to since my ties with the team were brutally severed.

After being cut by that bastard Billy Smith (note: I don’t want to start a rumor here, but I heard Billy Smith kills puppies for fun), I sat around waiting for the phone to ring. It didn’t. It was all good though, I was distracted anyway, what with the holidays and the Boat Show coming in to town. Plus, collecting unemployment is sweeeeet!! I get a fat check every week for sitting on my ass! Or at least I did, until Moqueisha down at the Unemployment office told me last week that I couldn’t collect checks anymore because I wasn’t making a “reasonable effort” to find alternative employment. Bitch (I heard she kills puppies for fun too, maybe with Billy Smith). So I got off my ass, and I called my agent/expert negotiator, Tommy Tanzer. That’s reasonable effort, Moqueisha!

I had to remind Tommy of who I was a couple times of course, but we eventually talked about my professional future. He told me I was a “shitty defensive left fielder who couldn’t hit.” I told him about my scrappiness, and how I was a great teammate and first-class person. He told me, “all that and $3.00 will get you a latte.” J-Ty’s no fool though, lattes cost $3.40, so Tommy just confirmed the value I bring to a ball club. Point, J-Ty.

Anyway, Tommy did manage to get me a job playing baseball; he is an expert after all. It’s not glamorous but it does get that puppy-killing bitch Moqueisha off my back (actually, she shouldn’t know about this…I still want that unemployment check), and it’ll help me build my value and get an MLB job next year. Plus, I’ll get to see some of the world. That’s right, I’ll be playing ball with the Melbourne Baseball Club in Australia! Check out that beautiful home field! Anyhow, that’s the plan. J-Ty’s gonna be reppin’ the USA in the land down under! I fly out tomorrow, but I’ll be keeping you all posted.