Mmm... Arepas!

Now I don't know about you, readers, but I enjoy the act of eating. I have built up quite the reputation among the many who have witnessed my unique talent of gorging, though few are fond of my eating techniques. However, I am a human, and cannot reach true levels of binge eating that only professional athletes can.

The reason I bring this up is to highlight my favorite Venezuelan dish: Arepas! A flat, cornmeal patty stuffed with cheese, ground meat... hell, you could throw genuine lard in there if you wanted. They are absolutely delicious, although I wouldn't know because I've never actually eaten one. I'm taking the word of a famous eating phenom, Miguel Cabrera. Miguel, who used to look like this, ballooned up to this when he got addicted to arepas. If you're the average person, you're thinking "Wow, that's unfortunate that he put on so much weight, but good for him to be trimming down again." If you're a twisted bastard like me, you're thinking "Aha! A player on an opposing team has a weakness!!"

Cabrera definitely has the talent to have a Hall of Fame career. The main problem is he's now utilizing those talents for the Detroit Tigers. I am forcing myself to hold off for the next two years, regardless of how beautiful this plan is, but it won't benefit the Twins unless both they and the Tigers are legitimate contenders. In 2010, Miguel Cabrera can expect a present from me: arepas, morning, noon and night, for several days. The answer to both my and Miguel's future cardiologist's twisted dream is Cafe Habana in Royal Oak, Michigan, approximately 20 minutes from Comerica Park. They even serve a breakfast or a lunch/dinner arepa. Although their website doesn't indicate if they deliver, you can be damn sure they will bow to the might of Miguel Cabrera's appetite if he demands delivery. To be absolutely certain, I might deliver the initial arepas myself and include some "powdered sugar" on the breakfast arepas. Now, hoping the effects of the special addition don't override Miguel's love of arepas and turn him into some kind of emaciated freak, we should see one large dude by 2012. It might be in the Tigers best interest to move him to DH at that point, otherwise we may see the first ever on-field heart attack when poor Miguel, sick of the jeers about his weight from the crowd, dives in a futile attempt to stop a sharp grounder from going through the hole.

Be warned, opponents of the Twins: I have chosen to use my genius for evil. And as a realistic side note, yes, this is what I think about in my spare time.