New York vs. Minnesota: The Celebrity Comparison

Everyone knows about how Johan has been traded to the Mets. Every time I see a picture of Johan in Mets attire, a little part of me dies inside. I'm praying it's not my medial insula, because one day I want to love again. I also don't know if you've read this article by the AP, describing how the Mets threw themselves a party to introduce Santana. I'll include the first three paragraphs that described the party:

The house lights dimmed, music was turned up and a video montage of Johan Santana highlights started rolling on a screen so wide you could almost see the seams on every pitch.

Every minute or so, the string of strikeouts was interrupted by a famous New Yorker welcoming Santana to the Big Apple. There was Chris Rock, Alec Baldwin, Jerry Seinfeld.

The Mets spent big money on their new ace last week and then choreographed a lavish introduction Wednesday at Shea Stadium's Diamond Club, set to some familiar guitar riffs by rock star Carlos Santana.

Screw you guys. I don't even know if Rock and Baldwin are public Mets fans like Seinfeld is, but Seinfeld is also a scientologist. This removes any respect I had for him as an intelligent individual. Why am I so bitter? Because the whole Johan party, to me, feels like a big "Hey, welcome to 'The City' now! We're all New Yorkers and famous and.. wait, where did you come from again?"

The amusing part is imagining what the Twins could do if they were making a similar video for a recently signed free agent. The only way it has any chance of working is if we allow the video to include anyone with Minneapolis ties. To make it decent, we'd have to take some creative liberties. Brock Lesnar would have to beat the hell out of Josh Hartnett while Rachel Leigh Cook stood in the background. The soundtrack would be written by Prince. At the end of the day, it's guaranteed to be better than the New York video, because we have the Coen brothers to direct it.