The Inaugural Post of the Big Skill

Before we give you Big Skill's first post, I feel there's something you should know about the guy. Normally, he is really laid back. Picture Jim Breuer in Half Baked, only Big Skill isn't stoned all the time. It's just that the subject of Kyle Lohse tends to bring Big Skill to a whole new level of intensity, as you are about to see.

As Jeff cleared up after screwing up the first post, The Root Beer Incident occurred at a Matt Kinney vs. Kyle Lohse match up against the Brewers. Also, I’m not afraid to say it. I’m not Bill Simmons here. I wasn’t making any friendly wagers that day. I had a good amount of real American dollars on the line. All on the back of… Kyle Lohse. Questionable? Maybe, but consider who his adversary was that day. Matt Kinney. Matt FUCKING Kinney. The same guy who gave up six runs on seven hits to the same Twins team his last time out. The same guy who has a career 5.29 ERA. The same guy who the Twins let go earlier that season for being too fat. That’s saying something too considering the original Fat Matt LeCroy played 107 games for the Twins that year. Trust me, LeCroy is fat. So fat it makes Frank Robinson cry.

But I digress. Lets get to the point here and talk about the most important thing learned that day. Well… the most important thing learned that day was not to let emotions get involved in gambling decisions. But, right behind that was we learned that Kyle Lohse is a massive pussy. If there was a female version of Elephantitis… it would mean that they have Kyle Lohse attached to them. I will never forget the look on his face when they showed him on the Jumbotron after that line drive lightly grazed him. Hey Kyle… you don’t like it when they hit the ball hard in your general direction? Here’s an idea. Don’t hang one down the middle of plate and let them hit rockets right back up the middle.

Lets take a quick look at some of Kyle’s other notable achievements. Who remembers where the last pitch Kyle threw as a starter with the Twins landed? If you don’t, let me remind you… in the right field corner at the Metrodome. And who’s fault was this? One can only imagine it was Kyle’s, right? Well, according to Kyle it wasn’t. In Kyle’s mind this was all Michael Cuddyer’s fault because he wasn’t able to chase down a hard hit line drive into the right field corner. I guess Kyle forgot that ole’ Cuddy wasn’t playing RF because of his spectacular range… but because he sucked even worse at fielding grounders than he sucks at chasing down flyballs. Anyways, after being immediately pulled Kyle then proceeded to scream out, “Can I get a little help here!” as he walked though the dugout on his way to spend some “alone time” in the club house. I can only imagine this looked something like this. Hey Kyle… you don’t like it when people hit doubles off of you? Well, I think we’ve covered hanging pitches in the zone, right?. Oh, and at some point he also hurt his hand slapping Gardy's door after getting lit up (If you had to do this… use your glove hand Kyle… haven’t you ever seen Bull Durham?). Sweet mental makeup, Kyle. (Side note: I see a little Lohse in Matt Garza. I mean it’s never good when you are uncontrollably shaking with nerves before you make your MLB debut… So, have fun with all THAT Tampa Bay).

Then Kyle finally cast aside all doubts of any possibility that he was truly a Man when he called the American League “Arena Baseball.” I mean, he could have the Maxim Hot 100 run a train on him while jamming with a resurrected Jimi Hendrix while doubling down against an ace in the high stakes pit at the Monte Carlo (I only wish there was a picture I could link to for this one, minus Klye’s involvement of course), and he would still be a pussy. Arena Baseball Kyle!? I think you mean Awesome baseball. Maybe it’s just me, but well executed walk off hit and runs just aren’t my thing. Sorry I’m not sorry that you aren’t good enough to effectively pitch without getting a free out every time though the order. I have no idea, but I would bet that Kyle was among the NL leaders in batting average against vs. pitchers last season anyways, just because he’s Kyle Lohse. It’s too bad the Phillies had to go and up his ego by trading for him last year in the heat on a pennant chase. Too bad the only reason was because the guy he knocked out of the rotation when he joined it was still a worse option than J.D. “The Real Deal” Durbin. Yes, the same J.D. Durbin that screamed, “That’s why they call me the Real Deal” after his first inning pitched in A ball and then put up a 94.50 ERA with the Diamondbacks… Karma’s a bitch huh, J.D.?

I’ll admit it. I used to like Kyle Lohse when I was a kid. I pictured him as a laid back guy who grew up in California who was currently living out my dream of being an MLB starting pitcher on my favorite baseball team. I couldn’t have been more wrong. He’s a pussy. Each day which goes by that he doesn’t sign that 4 or 5 year deal he was looking for (Thankfully there wasn’t a GM out there who was that stupid) is a good one. I can’t wait for him to sign a one year non-guaranteed minor league deal with the Pirates, and then watch Zach Duke beat him out in spring training. Drinks would be on me that day my boys.